


Slight Foxing

by sleepissafety



Series: 21st Century Boys/This is the Future [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crack, Dirty Talk, Gen, Humor, I'm pretty sure this is crack, M/M, Plot Without Plot, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, even after just one very strange conversation, headcanon that Bucky and Phil are totally bros
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-23
Updated: 2015-05-01
Packaged: 2018-03-25 05:44:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3798946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepissafety/pseuds/sleepissafety
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ch 1: This probably isn't what Director Coulson imagined as his first one-on-one interaction with his biggest idol's best friend slash boyfriend.</p><p>And that's why Bucky deems the mission a success.</p><p>Ch 2: The fallout.</p><p>Fury is amused.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Slight Foxing

“So you’re the one obsessed with Steve.” He makes sure it sounds like a statement, not a question.

Director Coulson doesn’t even flinch, doesn’t even look embarrassed or anything and Bucky has mixed feelings about that. “My fondness for Captain America was something developed in my early days and the only hobby of mine that has stayed with me into adulthood.” He grins and Bucky has mixed feelings about that too. “But if anyone could be considered Cap-obsessed around here, it’s you, Barnes. It might do you some good to be at least a little subtle about staring at his ass when he’s in uniform.”

“For the record, I stare at his ass regardless of what’s _on_ it. In fact, I prefer when nothing’s on it at all. Well, maybe something _in_ it…”

“And that’s something I didn’t need to hear this early in the morning. Or ever.”

“But you love America’s First Superhero!” Bucky winks. “Don’t you wanna hear all the juicy details of our bedroom escapades? Or our not-bedroom-but-most-definitely-still-sexual escapades?”

“Not really. No, definitely not.”

“Still got those signed trading cards?”

“They’re around somewhere. Kinda lost their appeal after Fury splattered them with my own blood.” Coulson shrugs. “Plus, I never got around to actually getting them signed.”

Bucky frowns. “Cap’s biggest fan and you don’t even have his autograph? An affront to the stars and stripes, my God!”

“It doesn’t get much better than working alongside him, honestly.”

“I don’t know…I really prefer being _on top_ of him, though under’s nice as well.”

“Hello, ladies and gentleman, and welcome back to S.H.I.E.L.D. Network’s premiere trivia show _Who Said It: Sergeant Barnes or a Porn Star?_ ” Coulson does a spinning wave and bow, though no one else is in the room—as if the wall of flashing monitors is their audience.

“Trivia, huh? Oh! I’ve got a good one.” His right shoulder cracks and his left shoulder whirs when he waves his hands over his head. “Since you’re such a big fan of my fella— _my_ fella—let’s see how much you know about him. His favorite sport?”

“Baseball,” is the immediate answer.

“Correct. Congrats.” Bucky hopes his smile isn’t _too_ lecherous. “How about his favorite _position_? Pitcher?” He pauses for dramatic effect. “Or catcher?”

Coulson’s expression goes even flatter than normal. “The porn star, definitely the porn star. Gonna have to send in a missing person report for Barnes.” Coulson sighs and it’s a bit too theatrical in Bucky’s opinion. “More paperwork. And a shame, really, I was just starting to tolerate him…”

Bucky snorts, decides to play along. “Can’t I be both? What if I’m both?”

It must be convincing because Coulson freezes and turns to him, wide-eyed and mouth agape. “Please tell me you’re joking.”

“Wait, S.H.I.E.L.D. hasn’t seen the tape?” He gives an exaggerated fanning of his face with the stack of papers he’s been holding. “Oh, thank God! J.A.R.V.I.S. assured me it would be private and I told Steve it was deleted, so—”

“You’re really not joking.” Admittedly, Coulson’s tone is more than a little unsettling and Bucky wonders if it’s going to be sooner rather than later that he finds out whether the rumors of the director’s Naughty Step are true.

Still, he’s _Bucky Barnes_ , which means he just can’t help but fuel the fire. “If you’re really that curious, it’s called ‘Save a Helicarrier, Ride a Captain’ and the password is capital C, A, P, T, A, I, N, space, capital H, U, G—”

“If it’s ‘Captain Huge Dick’, your next mission is to the middle of the Sahara.”

Bucky feigns a pout. “Actually, it’s ‘Captain Huggy Boo’, though gotta say yours is rather accurate as well.” He clicks his tongue. “Which you’d _know_ if you watched the video. It’s only three hours. We went twice that long last night.”

“I think I’m gonna be sick.” A movement on one of the screens catches Coulson’s gaze and he makes a note on his pad before looking back up at Bucky. “And I’m still shipping you off to the desert, Barnes. Also, Captain Huggy Boo?”

“Shit! Stevie made me promise that would never leave the bedroom, so try not to repeat it. Don’t need anyone finding out about Sergeant Cuddle Muffin, either. Oops.”

“ _‘Oops’?_ Yeah, right.”

“Just make sure to use ‘em sparingly in your fan fic. Captain Huge Dick, too. And Sergeant Cock—”

“Two weeks. _Two. Weeks._ Round-the-clock surveillance. By yourself. No cell phone reception. No internet access. No Captain Rogers. Only sand. And probably cobras.”

“Jeez, Director Killjoy, I’m just messing with you.” Bucky pats Coulson on the back so hard he coughs and it wasn’t even with his bionic arm. “But I think it’s adorable that anyone would think Old Glory Two-Shoes would make a sex tape! Ha! The guy won’t even text me a dick pic, a sympathy dick pic at that because I _only ever ask_ when we’re half a world apart on separate missions or something.” He huffs and it’s probably not as sarcastic as he intends. “Stevie making a sex tape? Good one.”

“With the way you’ve been talking about him, it’s a bit surprising, actually.”

“Oh, don’t get me wrong—doll’s kinky as fuck in the sack. No trouble getting me going. And going and going and—”

“Good. I’m really glad. Had me worried there for a moment. Not really. Doll? Wait…no. What was your point again?”

“It’s like I know he’s got this righteous image to uphold, but is it too much to spot your boyfriend—your boyfriend of, for all intents and purposes, like, eighty years—some digital cock? After he pleaded and begged? Gave him his melty big kitten eyes? Don’t even need a big production! Maybe a little hand action?" He hums, more than a little distracted by the fantasies his mind is conjuring. "Actually, post-orgasm would be great, too. _With_ hand action. There’re times that poor sex-deprived Bucky could use a little photographic stimulation when his man’s across the planet blowing up a HYDRA base or tracking down an old S.H.I.E.L.D. liaison or something. I don’t even ask for video…though that would be _fucking amazing_ , mind you. Catch my drift, fanboy?”

“Well, would you look at _that_!” Coulson makes a show of brandishing his watch. Bucky smirks when he notices the director didn’t protest the “fanboy” label. “I’ve got a meeting with Fury in…what, two hours? Wow! Can’t be late, so I’d better start walking. Away. From here. From you. From this conversation. Good—”

“We’re standing in the meeting room right now, you know.”

“Oh, are we? I didn’t notice. Could’ve sworn we were on the set of _Let’s Find out How Many Ways in Which We Can Pervert Poor Phil Coulson’s Image of His Childhood Hero_. Hint: the answer is however many words you’ve said so far.”

“You and the game shows, my God.”

“You and the Captain Rogers smut talk, my God.”

“Would you prefer something from the battlefield? Our first time post-Serum in his private tent in Italy? Or the time in the bunker of a smoked out HYDRA base in Belgium? Against a tree in the middle of occu—”

“No, I would _not_ , thank you.” He pauses, massaging his forehead, and Bucky assumes he’s going for a last-ditch effort at salvaging _whatever_ this is. No one’s ever stuck around this long and Bucky’s impressed. “But if you ever get the urge to reminisce out loud about something that isn’t related to Cap in the buff, I’d love to hear it. Always have wondered about the accuracy of those Howling Commandos biopics, you know.”

“Really? Well, how ‘bout this…next time we both have a day off, you grab the movies—‘cause I know you got ‘em on DVD or something—”

“Blu-ray. Collector’s box set.”

“ _Of course_ you do, damn it! And a fine fanboy you are! So, as I was saying, you bring the movies, I’ll bring the popcorn and the beer—lots of beer—and Steve, too, and we’ll watch through all of ‘em in Stark’s private theatre and I’ll give you the first and only official Bucky Barnes live commentary. Sound good?”

Coulson smiles, bright and wide. “Sounds great, actually.” Bucky assumes he’s more excited about the prospect of hanging out with Steve than any of the other things Bucky promised but he’ll take what he can get. Although…

“Huh.”

“What is it, Barnes?”

“It’s strange…Why the fuck would S.H.I.E.L.D. need a spy in the Sahara? You guys find a herd of gazelle running a HYDRA base or something?”

Coulson laughs, one hand on Bucky’s shoulder and the other gripping his own tie. “You’re not the only one around here who can mess with someone, Barnes. You just do it the most often. And by that, I mean all the time.”

“You’re an asshole.” He grins, though he kind of also wants to wrap his hand around Coulson’s tie because it’s patterned with Steve’s shield. “But I love it.”

“You aren’t so bad yourself.” Coulson’s eyes drift back to the monitors though Bucky knows this time he’s just trying to avoid looking at his face. “You know…”

“What?”

“Well, it’s just…I mean…”

“Oh, just spit it out. No need to be shy around me!” Bucky hopes he looks as inviting as possible, arms out and everything. “Unless it’s about me and Steve _actually_ making a sex tape, ‘cause that’s a no-go. Sorry, Director! Ain’t anyone getting a view of the goods but me. And they’re some mighty find goods.”

Coulson doesn’t take the bait this time but Bucky thinks he sees him roll his eyes. He knows then that they’re going to be friends. “Um, it’s just…I’ve also got a few Bucky cards lying around and we’ve…you were one of my childhood idols as well…and I just feel like…well, we’ve—”

“Gee, you pick the strangest times to go all bashful, man. Course I’ll sign ‘em!”

“Thanks.”

“Though, fair warning, I ain’t putting my signature anywhere near red tights and a bank robber’s mask.”

“I’ll make sure those don’t come anywhere near you.”

“Good.”

****

****

“So, Director Coulson was acting a kinda strange around me today,” Steve says when they’re settled under the covers.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Steve curls a strand of Bucky’s hair around his finger, tucks it behind his ear. “Couldn’t look me in the eye, which was really awkward because we were having a sort of important meeting with Director Fury.”

“Wait…you were part of that meeting, too?”

Steve nods against his cheek, then freezes and pulls back. “And it was supposed to be classified…How’d _you_ know?”

“Oh, Coulson mentioned it. Also, you kinda just mentioned it, too, so…”

“You talked to him?” Steve sounds half-surprised and half-pleased. Bucky doesn't think Steve will ever stop worrying about him though Bucky also doesn’t think he’ll ever mind. “That’s great, babe.”

“Well, no one knows you better than me…and he _is_ your biggest fan.” Bucky knows Steve can’t see the lecherous smile from the way they’re tangled together but can definitely feel it pressed into his shoulder. “Captain Huggy Boo.”

Steve sighs, already resigned. Bucky thinks it might be a new record. “Seriously, Buck. You didn’t.”

“Oh, don’t get your star-spangled panties in a twist, doll. I was just having a little fun. Get a little stir-crazy without a mission and holed up in this tower sometimes. He was a good sport about it.”

“Obviously not from the way he couldn’t stop eyeing at the door the entire time.”

“Well, it couldn't have gotten to him _that_ much...it's not like he sent me to the fabled Naughty Step or something…”

Steve snorts. “Well, dang, I hope not. Then I’d have to have a fist-to-face talk with the guy.”

“Um,” Bucky’s confused. “Why?”

Steve laughs and pulls him closer. “Buck, I’m pretty sure Naughty Step is code for wherever he and Barton run off to after Avengers Assemble meetings to have sex.”

“Oh. _Oh_. Really?”

“Yeah.”

****

****

Phil spots the wrapped box on his desk as soon as he steps into his office. He secures the room when he reads the accompanying envelope.

 _Director Killjoy_ is written in red and blue ink.

As he reaches for the letter opener in the top drawer of his desk, he notices the neat stack of cards next to the box. His Bucky trading cards—minus a specific few—all signed and returned.

He looks back toward the box, more cautious than ever. He should’ve recognized the box was too big for them. He goes for the envelope first.

_~~Director Coulson~~ Phil,_

_Bucky reminded me that I’d never been able to sign your cards—near mint, slight foxing around the edges, right?—though I’m guessing you probably don’t want those particular ones signed anymore anyway._

He’s right. Phil doesn’t think he’s even _touched_ them since Fury returned them after he regained his memories.

_I don’t know if you knew, but Peggy and Stark (Howard) started collecting Captain America memorabilia after I disappeared, after they founded the first S.H.I.E.L.D._

That he didn’t know. It's not surprising, though.

_Anyway, Tony passed most of it onto me and Bucky, but since it feels ~~kinda~~ really awkward to have an apartment full of things covered in my face, Bucky had this great idea to give some of it to you, my biggest fan._

Phil tries not to wonder too much about whether Bucky suggested that or Cap really came up with it himself. A joint proposal, he supposes, since they seem to think on the same wavelength more than not.

 _I didn’t sign_ everything _because I thought that’d be kinda weird but you’re more than welcome to ask me to sign more or anything else from your personal collection you'd like._

Honestly, Phil thinks he didn’t need to sign _anything_ , since, as he mentioned to Sergeant Barnes, working alongside the Captain is so much cooler than any poster or action figure. Still…

_I hope this makes up for the cards._

_Sincerely,_  
_Steve Rogers, “Cap”_

_P.S. Bucky said something about a movie day the next time we’re all free? How's this Saturday? And bring Clint! ☺_

Phil makes a mental note not to schedule anything for Saturday, no matter what. He’s the director now, been working harder than ever, and most definitely deserves spending his first day off watching Commandos movies with Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes—and his boyfriend, of course.

And, for the record, no matter what’s in the box, it more than makes up for the cards. In fact, he thinks the letter alone more than makes up for the cards, especially when it was never _Cap’s_ error to rectify in the first place.

Still, that doesn’t stop him from tearing into the patriotic paper like a child on Christmas morning.


	2. Slightly Foxed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A director, his spy boyfriend, some hard liquor, a disturbing conversation he can't seem to get out of his mind, and more!
> 
> What could go wrong?

“J.A.R.V.I.S., activate transcription program. Phil, you home?”

“Clint? I’m in the bedroom!”

“Hey, there you are.”

“Hello, hon. Saw the monitor come on as soon as I heard the door. You damage your ears again?”

“Not damaged. _Destroyed_. You can thank Rogers for that. What’s wrong? You look a little…off.”

“Yeah, well, you can thank Barnes for that.”

“Oh, this is gonna be good.”

****

“Oldies movie night sounds like a great idea!”

“I don’t know…Also, the biopics were released in 2001. That hardly makes them _oldies_.”

“Was referring to Rogers and Barnes. And why don’t you sound more excited? Aren’t you the president of Cap’s fan club or something?”

“First of all, he doesn’t even have a fan club—”

“You would know.”

“—and second, I _am_ excited. About Rogers. Not so much Barnes. Stop staring, it’s rude.”

“You still afraid of Winter Soldier?”

“No! No, I’m—”

“You are!”

“I’m really not.”

“Seriously, though, Barnes is harmless. Fury let him go out in the field months ago. He even does solos. If he can handle infiltrating a HYDRA base in the middle of Siberia by himself, I’m sure he’ll do fine with some World War II footage or that ridiculous— _ridiculous_ —reenactment of Rogers crashing into the ice.”

“I seem to remember _a certain someone_ bawling his eyes out when he saw that scene for the first time. And the second. And the—”

“Three words: Peggy Carter, narrator. Two more: the _feels_ , man! Wait, that was three, too. Also, you changed the subject. Barnes, remember?”

“Unfortunately. And why are you looking so smug?”

“He said something to you.”

“He said a lot of things to me. Things I’d rather not recall, thank you.”

“Oh, this is gonna be _really_ good.”

****

“Come on, please! You can’t tease me like that and then not follow through!”

“So says the guy who’s spent the past thirty minutes _groping me_. Stop that.” 

“I wouldn’t have to resort to these measures if you’d just tell me what Barnes said to get you all frazzled.”

“Does anyone actually say frazzled anymore? I’d appreciate if you didn’t grin like that. It’s creepy. And he said a lot of things. On top of even more things. It would take a while. Also, get your hand out of my pants.”

“We’ve got all night, dear.”

“And you’ve got a seven-thirty rendezvous with Captain Rogers.”

“Not anymore. Switched with Barnes. You know they do better as a pair anyway.”

“And why didn’t I know about this? As in, in the form of a typed request left on the director’s desk for _signed approval_? I’m the director, Clint. Which means my desk, Clint. And hands off while I’m trying to reprimand you.”

“Well, I _told_ Barnes to do it, which means he probably asked Rogers. But if he asks Rogers for things the same way I ask you for things, I assume he fucked it right out of the Cap’s pretty boy head.”

“God! Wasn’t I punished with enough of this for one day?”

“Oh! Oh! Was Barnes being all dirty with you? Is that why you’re frazzled? Ha, said it again. _Frazzled_. As in you. Right now. So did Barnes taint your perfect little Captain America world with some sex talk or something? And just so you know, your lack of an answer is an answer.”

“No comment.”

“He did! Damn, I miss everything.”

“I would have gladly traded places with you. Listen to Sergeant Smut or get my ass kicked by Romanoff? Yeah, I’m going to go with two.”

“I did _not_ get my ass kicked! That badly…”

“He seriously doesn’t say that… _stuff_ …to anyone else? You? Wilson? Aren’t you guys together all the time? You know, kind of like your hand and my ass right now.”

“Yeah, but Cap is there, too. Or Nat. I’m almost certain they’ve had some pretty filthy conversations in Russian, though. Wilson should probably be concerned if he doesn’t want Barnes sending out an email blast revealing all of their lovey-dovey secrets.”

“Barnes can email? Then why are all of his mission reports handwritten? Also, I’d be more concerned if Barnes didn’t reveal all of his and Steve’s first.”

“Now you _have_ to tell me.”

****

“Want some?”

“I shouldn’t. I’ve got a nine-thirty with Fury, a twelve with Hill, and an unknown o’clock with Stark whenever Miss Potts can roll him out of bed.”

“You said ‘ _shouldn’t_ ’ not ‘ _can’t_ ’. And I’m supposed to meet Wilson at a quarter after eight to run but little does he know! So…drink?”

“Yes. But I’m still not telling you anything.”

“Aw, come _on_.”

****

“Did you know that Stark programmed J.A.R.V.I.S. with like every dirty joke in existence?”

“No.”

“Want to know Barnes’ favorite?”

“No.”

“Would you change your mind if I said it was a limerick?”

“No.”

“It’s great though! It’s the one about a—”

“No.”

“—pirate.”

****

“But why didn’t you just walk away?”

“I’m the fucking _Director_ of S.H.I.E.L.D., that’s why! I will not be… _frazzled_ out of my own meeting room!”

“Yeah, well you _frazzled_ my hard-on out of our bedroom when you put me in a choke hold just because I cupped a cheek.”

“You did _not_ just ‘cup a cheek’. You practically shoved a finger up my—”

“ _Practically_ , not _actually_. And I was just trying to relieve some of the tension. You’re welcome.”

“Just pour me another glass.”

“Yes, dear.”

****

“A sex tape? Yeah. Right.”

“It’s…It’s what he said.”

“But you also said he said he was just joking. He _was_ just joking, right?”

“Dunno. Huh. If I cross my eyes, there are two of you.”

“Phil?”

“One on the left is cuter…”

“Phil? It’s probably time to put the bottle down now.”

“…’s empty anyway…”

“Yeah, you’re definitely done for the night, dear.”

“...’s funny though…”

“What is?”

“Barnes…Barnes said it was called Save a…Save a Helicarrier…uh…Ride a…Ride…”

“Ride what?”

“A Cap— _Hic!_ —tain.”

“Save a Helicarrier, Ride a Captain?”

“Uh-huh. _Hic!_ Get it?”

“Heh. Good one, Barnes.”

****

“So…Captain Huggy Boo?”

“Yep.”

“And Sergeant Cuddle Muffin?”

“Uh-huh. I’m…I’m gonna go get a glass of water.”

“Bring back what’s left of the Smirnoff!”

****

“I’m not doing _anything_ , dear.”

“Pretty sure ‘anything’ includes searching for Cap and Sarge’s sex tape.”

“We don’t even know if it—Hey!”

“What?”

“There really _is_ a file with that name.”

“Oh, God.”

“Password, huh? Okay…Captain…Huggy…Boo…hit enter…I’m in! Oh—”

“Is that who I think it is?”

“Oh, yeah. I’d recognize those pecs anywhere. Captain Rogers in the flesh…and _only_ the flesh.”

“So you don’t think he’s wearing underwear under those sheets?”

“Nope. At least it’s not a video?”

“No, this is definitely worse. What’s that on his chest? Is that—”

“That is _definitely_ —”

“A rhetorical question! Moving on. Now please get that image off the screen.”

“Look, there’s another im—”

“No!”

“Oh, my God! They use the shield as a sex prop!”

“Maybe, it’s just—”

“Don’t even try, dear. He’s holding it _way_ too low. If Barnes _ain’t_ blowing him behind that thing, I’d—”

“I can _see_ it, thank you. I don’t need your colorful descriptions. Also, that’s—”

“Kinda hot though…. _ow_! Why’d you hit me? Phil? Phil? Oh, come on, why’re you ignoring me? Phil?”

****

“I’m sorry! But I didn’t say they were hotter than _you_! Please open the door! What was that? Didn’t hear you! Phil? It’s not like everyone else in the tower doesn’t also have a bit of a crush on Rogers and Barnes. Come on! I know you do, too! But I’m really sorry! Please—Oh! Thank—”

“Thank you for disturbing the reemergence of my dinner. Also, I wasn’t mad about that.”

“Then what were you mad about? You ran off into the bathroom like someone lit your ass on fire.”

“Someone certainly lit my _throat_ on fire. Name’s Jack Daniels. I drank too much and had to puke. End of story.”

“Oh.”

“Yes.”

“Well…I couldn’t exactly _hear_ what was going on in there. The only thing J.A.R.V.I.S. transcribed on the screen was ‘indiscernible muttering’.”

“Probably when I asked the toilet where I went wrong in life. But you’d think Stark’s A.I. would know the difference between ‘indiscernible muttering’ and ‘puking noises’ when its spent so much time around, well, _Stark_.”

“Dare you to bring it up at the next Avengers roundtable.”

“Trust me, there are a lot of things I’d like to bring up at the next Avengers roundtable.”

“Oh, you’re feeling better. Great! Now finish the story.”

“Huh?”

“You were trying to say something when I cut you off.”

“Nope.”

“I can see it right here on the transcript. Right before I said ‘Kinda hot though’, _you_ said—”

“Okay, fine!”

“I’m _waiting_.”

****

“I’m gonna go with Sergeant Cock Master…though knowing Barnes—and I do mean _knowing_ him, especially after seeing that photo—I’d put some money on Sergeant Cock _Sucker_ , too.”

“ _Clint_.”

“Can you imagine? America’s newest superhero duo here to save the day! Let’s welcome Captain Huge Dick and Sergeant Cock Sucker!”

“Please stop.”

“Fighting crime by day and fucking by night!”

“I will leave.”

“Wait…that’s kinda what they do already, isn’t it? Hey, where’re you going?”

“Hill’s couch.”

“But you know it’s true!”

****

****

“Well, Director Coulson, I guess I never realized just how _big_ a fan you were of Captain Rogers.”

“Good morning, Director Fury.” Phil looks up from his computer and sees Fury staring at the newest addition to his wall of Captain America posters. “And what are you talking about?”

“Cap seems to have signed this rather… _intimately_.”

“What, my name?” Phil snorts, not even bothering to read Romanoff’s mission report before approving it with a digital signature. “Doesn’t he do that with all the kids?”

“He’d better not use that autograph with _children_ , my God.” Fury rolls his eyes. “I wouldn’t put it past Barnes, though, and he seems to have quite the impression on Rogers, even more so after he started remembering things from their childhood.”

“I honestly still don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“‘To Phil, my biggest fan!” Fury reads. “Your friend, Steve Rogers, Captain Huge Dick.’”

“Wait, what?” Phil jumps from his seat so quickly, the chair topples backward. He doesn’t think the frown lines on Fury’s head could sink in any deeper. “Oh my—”

“All of the Avengers submitted handwriting samples, including Rogers _and_ Barnes, correct?”

“Yes, sir.”

“And you studied them thoroughly, correct?”

“Yes, sir.”

“So you know _exactly_ who signed this, correct?”

“Yes, sir. Definitely Captain Rogers, sir.”

“I’m assuming since we’ve not heard of this publicly that this was the only occurrence.” Is Fury _grinning_? “Would you agree?”

“Yes. Yes! Yes, sir!”

“Then there should be no need for disciplinary action.” Fury tosses a few files onto Phil’s desk that Phil didn’t even realize the other man was carrying. “I want the lovebirds in Prague by Tuesday morning. We tracked down another base.”

“And it will be leveled by Tuesday night,” Phil assures, in no way exaggerating. He’s more than certain the Cap and Sarge are _that_ good.

“Of course.” Fury turns to leave, halfway into the hall when he stops. “And Director Coulson?”

“Yes?”

“I’d advise you to remove that poster.”

“Already done, sir.”

As the minutes go by, Phil has lost track of how many times he’s looked over at the frame leaning against his bookshelf. Something has been nipping at his thoughts since he took it down and left it there, turned backwards since he can’t even bear to look at it anymore.

“You really think…” he says aloud to the empty room, hoping at least one piece of furniture has an answer. “What am I saying? If the sofa talks, I should probably see someone about that…”

A few more minutes pass and Phil doesn’t even realize he’s opened the top drawer of his desk until the stack of cards is in his hand. There are at least fifty now, about a quarter of those from the gift box Rogers and Barnes had left on his desk a few days prior.

The autographed Bucky cards are on top.

“Well, here we go…” He flips through the stack slowly, savoring every last moment of blissful ignorance.

He knows what he’s going to find.

Because Barnes knows.

 _Because Captain America knows_.

“So it is Sergeant Cock Lover,” he tells the sofa. “I’m not surprised.”

He screams until he faints.

****

“Buck, you hear something?”

“No. Dunno. Pass the popcorn, would ya, doll? What’d it sound like?”

“A banshee.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Bucky and Steve laughing in the distance*


End file.
